Take it all in, take all the hit.

Searched everywhere, high and low, looking for a place to rant and let all these feelings and thoughts out. 

It probably was the most difficult 2 months of my life. Waking up every morning knowing you don't have power over something that used to be yours. Waking up every morning knowing that you lost that one thing that made you happy and stable. Hindi alam kung saan muli huhugutin ang lakas para umusad. Mahirap. 
Sabi nga ni John Mayer, "When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.". Walang sapat na warning para sa sakit nito. Sabi nga din ng Coldplay, "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.." because let's face it, "Where's the good in goodbye?" sabi yan ng The Script.

Most people would deal with their heartbreaks at night. Madalas ang mga tao umiiyak, humahagulgol, nangungulila sa gabi. But not me. Sa umaga ako kinakatok ng realidad. I don't know why. Probably because I used to love mornings. Yung paggising mo pa lang, ngingiti ka na kasi alam mo na may isang tao kang mapapangiti ng "Good morning." mo. At ganun din ang taong yun sa'yo.  Ngayon, every morning is a struggle. Everyday is a battle. War between you and the cruel world, battle between your heart and mind. Araw araw na desisyon kung lalaban ka pa ba, o susuko na. Honestly, nakakapagod. Nakakalito at nakakadrain ng energy especially when you're so used sa stability. Ilang beses mong hihilingin na sana panaginip na lang lahat. Na sana pagtulog mo sa gabi, gigising ka dun sa araw na maayos pa ang lahat and then maybe, maybe change something para hindi na humantong sa kung anumang totoong pinaghantungan nito. Araw-araw, mapapatanong ka sa langit kung bakit kailangan mangyari ang mga bagay-bagay, Why is something that's supposed to be beautiful end up hurting you?

And then your mind will fly to every possible thing that can happen, from the beautiful ones na gusto ng puso mo to the really ugly ones na reality check naman. Ayaw mo man, at ilang beses ka man sabihan ng mga kaibigan mo to stop overthinking, hindi mo mapipigilan. Mapapraning, masasaktan over something that isn't confirmed simply because you know that at this point, anything can happen. Dahil sabi ko nga, you don't have power over that something anymore. The only thing you can do is take it all in, take all the hit, get hurt, cry, get hurt even more hanggang sa maubos ka and wonder if mauubos ka nga at kung mauubos ba talaga ang lahat ng sakit. 

And then you are left with no choice but to keep trying to move forward. Pipilitin ang sariling ngumiti kahit hindi yun ang nararamdaman ng puso mo. You will force yourself to wake up, stand up and face this damn reality. Because even when you have friends who will always be there for you, you don't want to drag them in your everyday struggle. Kailangan ipakita mo sa mundo, na kaya mo. Baka sakaling sa kakapanggap mo, magulat ka na lang na okay ka na. Baka sakali. 

Sinasabi ng iba, that this is just a phase and that everything will get better soon. Na may plano ang Ama kung bakit nangyayari ang mga ito. Na may mas magandang nakalaan. Kung meron nga at kung anu man iyon, will let you guys know. For now, eto muna.